I returned from a great trip to Kadena Japan to no job and it's nice. But it won't last forever, nor do I want it to do so. I spend a small amount of time each day looking for new postings of positions available.  I've applied for a wide variety of jobs: small community hospital ER, pediatric hemetology/oncology clinic (kid cancer doctor office), suburban hospial ER, home health, school nurse, ABA therapist, and pediatric HIV research nurse. I've had a total of 3 interviews and two job offers without interviews.  It all has me thinking about the idea of a job verse a career.  Would I be satisfied taking a job because it is a job?  How long could I tolerate working and not loving it? Some of these jobs get me so excited thinking about them.  Those are the jobs that I could see making a career.  The others I think would be jobs just to pass the time away. And I hate that idea. I don't want to just go through life day to day. I believe we were created for so much more. My tattoo says ALIVE for a reason. Every day I want to make the best of what's offered. Can I do that in a job that I don't love or care about? And at what point do you hold out for the best? When do you settle?  When is it crazy to turn down a "great" job that's not what I want?  Honestly I feel like I would rather work retail through the holiday season than take a nursing job I don't like. I could do it through the holiday season to pass the time.  And then I keep my Nursing Career about passion and not settling. I really am interested in going back to ABA therapy, too. I LOVE working with autistic kids in therapy! I love it! It would be a walk away from nursing for the time being though, and a pay cut- but to be happy is so worth it. I also am very interested in the research with HIV kids. That gets me excited! The other stuff just doesn't have me caring too much. The kids' cancer clinic would be interesting but my honest thought is of it being a job. I've been called in for a second interview with them, and went. But I felt like it was a waste of my time. Could I do it, yes. But do I want to do it? not really. So, I've turned down one job already. One is an open offer for whenever I want it. What if this kids' cancer clinic offers me a job before I hear back on the jobs that I really want? Do I take it, play it safe, but boring? Or do I take my chances and hold out for what could be way better?  (and part of me feels selfish even saying I can turn down a job offer in 'this economy' when so many people don't have jobs.)  Oh well, we shall see what comes. Trust in God's timing that he will help place me in the best.  I am most satisfied when He is most glorified and that is all that matters. So my prayer has to be to find the job where God can be most glorified through me.

my work has not always had me be insensitive.  i'd like to think i'm caring. but even the most hard-hearted person cannot walk through this profession without being touched by what we see. there are two cases that i can vividly remember crying over, and crying a lot. these are two of the many stories that will never be forgotten.

a mom of a 6month old checked her baby in with "arm burn." I wasn't there when the patient got to a room after triage. From my understanding the patient in triage was stripped to get a weight and was found to be burned over half of the body, not just the arm. When I got report to take over care, the abuse case was already starting. The mom had a joke of a story. The baby had been clearly held by the left arm and leg and dipped in to scalding hot water. You could see the dip line. The poor baby cried and cried in pain.  With any work-up of a patient under two years old we do xrays and scans to see for other signs of abuse, since the patient can't tell us anything. This baby ended up having 8 fractures between the right arm, ribs, skull. He also had a head bleed. I ended up taking care of the baby for 9 hours. I was with the baby for every picture taken by social services, I was there giving pain medicine during dressing changes for the burns, I was there for the xrays, and pretty much never left the room of this baby, trying to calm him down. I ended up taking care of the baby for so long because we wanted to send the baby to the burn hospital but because of the other injuries he wasn't stable enough to go.  For the last two hours I had this patient I had a paramedic student with me. He was an adult man with a family at home. I at first told him not to go in the room because it was a pretty yucky case to be involved in. He ended up following me in there for some reason, and instantly I saw the tears roll down his face. I then filled him in on the story. So finally towards the end of my shift I was able to get the patient upstairs into a room. Giving report was hard to do because I wanted to keep him, take care of him myself. As I walked him upstairs I cried and cried knowing that I was letting him go. I had gotten so attached to this babe after taking care of him for so long. I knew he would be taken care of and would not be going home, but to this day I have no idea where he is.

Another time I cried was after my first death. The baby came in to the ER in full arrest, not breathing, no pulse. It was a 9 month old girl.  We tried for 45 minutes to rescusitate the babe. The family was there the whole time. We were pretty sure it was the infamous SIDS: sudden infant death syndrome. But because the baby was so young it becomes an investigation. But we give the family time with the baby, we don't just take the body away. But a staff member has to be with the baby all the time. So I was doing fine until the grandpa arrived and showed me a video on his phone of this precious little girl playing with a new toy, hearing her laugh. It was then that I started crying. Oh my heart ached for that family.  The mom kept saying "you were just too good for this world" and I loved that. Oh how we take everyday for grantid.

As I was mentioning before, I think one of my biggest pet peaves about this job is the lack of acuity.  I feel so bored. It's a way slower pace, not seeing as many patients. Then when we do see patients they aren't that sick. I feel like I'm at a doctors office more than an ER. But, every hospital sees unnecessary patients. I've decided that one way we could cut cost on health care is have PSA. Public Service Announcement. They can have them for water usage, talking to your teens, drunk driving, how about proper use of the ER and ambulance system. Seriously here! Fever for 3 hours does not mean you need to call an ambulance.  It means call you doctor in TWO days if the fever is still there. Oh the stupidity of some people. I don't know why people think the ER is the better choice than a primary doctor. It's not cheaper. It's often not faster either. We see everything from ear infections, rashes, bug bites, and some crazy stories. Really, doctor's offices exsist for the dumb and smart people all alike. But I guess that's not a nice slogan for a TV ad.  Another TV ad that would fail would be discouraging people from finding their own "internet diagnosis." I love it when people say stuff like "I looked online and I know that I have this... can you just write me a note for my work?"  Oh for real! But, that's what you get when the multibillionaires are pharmaceutical companies who want people to be sick and buy their drugs. Anywas, stupid people thinking the internet/tv can diagnos them. 

I really think there should be a test everyone should have to take in order to become a parent. The number one question should be "can you choose a proper name for your child."  I've seen it all.... Princess, BabyGirl, Mr. (yep MR. as a first name), JKDN (pronounced jakayden), Sir..., Persephone (I guess it's the greek godess of the underworld, like satan's wife or something), oh this list could go on and on...  I just wonder what these poor kids will grow up to be. Can you see some of these names as professionals? I have a hard time imagining Babygirl as the next Hilary.

So on to more stories.  Here are my two favorite stupid parent awards.  One, the child was pretty sick. The other, umm not so sick but probably the funniest thing I've ever heard. Here we go for story time!

A mom of a toddler came in after seeing her doctor earlier in the day (yay! good mom). The primary doc did some tests that came back critical so the doc sent her to the ER. Everything is good so far. The kid looked really sick. White as a ghost. When I was asking mom what made her take the child to the doc she didn't really have a reason. When I asked about how pale the kid was, she said yeah I've noticed that lately. I asked about the kid's activity level. Mom said something like well she doesn't want to eat anything other than my cigarette ashes out of the ash tray. And since that's all she'll eat I let her thinking it's better than nothing. SERIOUSLY! take the ash tray away! Oh I couldn't believe she said she was letting her kid eat ashes. Belief it or not eating non-food objects is a symptom (pica), but most parents wouldn't allow it to continue to happen. oh silly parents!

But the dumbest parent award goes to this mom.... teenage boy is brought into the ER for spitting up blood. in the room, the kid has a spitune and is spitting up blood streaked mucous. Not life threating, not bleeding out, you know, like small cut on your gums from flossing kind of blood/mucous mix.  But she was right, he was spitting out blood. I'll give her that. I asked how long the symptoms have been gonig on for. mom replied 2 years! I said, so what brings you in tonight... she said it's getting worse. ok, so has he been seen for this before.  and here is where the story gets real good. mom says yes. they stuck a "microscope" down his stomach and they didn't see blood there. (Microscopes are in science class. Scopes for surgery are quite different). she continues... And then they did an xray and didn't see any blood on the xray of his lungs. so "i think" (mom saying) he has a bleed in his brain and when he gets mad or anxious it causes his blood pressure to rise which forces the blood to drip down the back of his throat so he spits it out. NO JOKE! oh i was trying so hard not to laugh. This is not humanly, physically possible. There is no blood in the brain first of all. second, your brain is not connected to your throat through an opening. Yes there are sinus cavities, but not exactly brain matter in those empty spaces! oh gollies I tried so hard not to laugh! But I made it through the story, nodded along, then walked out of the room and told the doctor. I will never forget this!